The Wonderful Word of Jesus Christ
The images of Buenos Aires that adorn glossy magazine pages and overpriced coffee table picture books are consistently the same: weathered cobble stoned streets; rustic dilapidated cafes; tango dancers caught in mid-rapture; sensual green parks adorned with marble statues of commanding men on imposing horses. “This” they seem to say, “is Buenos Aires!” and though true, nothing captures the strangeness, and, “lavishness” of the city better than Tierra Santa.
Tierra Santa, or Saint Land, is undoubtedly one of the peculiar creations that the 21st century has wrought. If the Pope, Walt Disney and Salvador Dali all joined forces to create a theme park the end result wouldn’t be half as thrilling as Tierra Santa. 
Taking a page from the Bible—actually, taking several pages from the Bible, and recreating them as life-size dioramas, Tierra Santa is, depending on who you are, either pure unabated kitsch or a moving, if perhaps odd, tribute to religion.
Built in 2000 with much fanfare, and very little irony, the park is a visual feast of various passages of the Bible, and, as the flyer points out, an opportunity to visit Jerusalem year round.
Entering the park you are met with an array of huts from which you purchase your ticket; if the idea of buying a ticket from someone draped in a veil seems strange, that’s just the beginning. The park, complete with a massive “man made” (i.e. plastic) mountain which features Christ nailed to a cross, looks like some kind of hallucination; it’s as if some hallucinogenic drugs were handed to you along with your admission fee.
The tour begins with a dramatic tableau entitled “The Creation of Light” followed by “The Creation of Man and Woman” and “Abraham’s Call” which climaxes with the nativity scene in Bethlehem.
The birth of Christ is presented as grand visual feast of light and sound in what is billed the word’s “biggest animated nativity” scene (now if there is world wide competition to this, I have no idea, but I would gladly cast my vote in Tierra Santa’s favor). The show is a strange mirage composed of a man’s booming Spanish voice, accompanied by choir music and various animal sounds. It’s the soundtrack to Heaven, or, perhaps, Hell.
From there on it’s a whirlwind tour through the life of life and times of Jesus Christ; look to your left, there is a young Jesus preaching to a group of peasants; turn to your right, there is Jesus healing the ill and turning water into wine; straight ahead is Jesus forgiving the adulterous woman (and there is no doubt, this woman is adulterous…if you know what I mean). All of this is a mild build up to Jesus’ entrance to Jerusalem on a horse, re-enacted with a crowd of people around him. You too can merge among the stucco figures and be one of the people acknowledging His arrival as if you were a humble peasant, but, obviously not. 
There are endless opportunities to amuse one’s self in Tierra Santa: take a photo as Judas betrays Jesus; sip a diet cola while watching Jesus don a crown of thorns; enjoy your pappas fritas as Jesus is being whipped by a Roman soldier (be forewarned, it’s not for the faint hearted).
Given the nature of the theme park, it is no surprise that Jesus’ journey to his crucifixion takes up an entire section of the park; with the crown of thorns on his head and a large wooden cross on his back, Jesus torturous journey to the top of the mountain is re-enacted with numerous displays. A series of life size Jesus’ can be seen through a series of corridors, walking, falling, stumbling, bleeding to his crucifixion. It’s a strange display, and not particularly pleasant, but I guess that’s the point. The day I was there, a group of nuns (no joke) were weeping before one of the dioramas. To say this was odd would be an understatement.
One of the big attractions of this park is a fifteen-minute LSD trip about “The Creation” of man—and woman--kind. Complete with quotes from the Bible about the origin of life on earth and enough lasers and light cues to make the average rave party look like it cobbled together by a five year old kindergarten class. This spectacle is complete with Adam and Eve statues (modestly concealing their genitals) and “wild” animatronic animals going off into the sunset together. Though the effects have already aged badly the pageant ends with Adam and Eve going towards the light as if it were a Jennifer Lopez video from 2000.
The one disappointing element of Tierra Santa is the Last Supper exhibit. Though there is no arguing with sheer dramatic spectacle of piece, and how eerily lifelike everything looks, the fact that you, as a visitor, cannot sit, and break bread (and eat your hummus and pita which is on sale for two dollars a few feet away) is a major bummer.
There are a number of cafés in Tierra Santa, all in keeping with Middle Eastern culture, so there are a number of gastromic options because after a few hours there, and trust me when I say you will be there for a few hours, you’ll need your strength.
If Las Vegas offers visitors the opportunity to travel the globe by visiting hotel lobbies (Paris, Rome, New York City, Egypt!) Tierra Santa raises the bar 
and recreates, each hour; Christ’s resurrection is reenacted on top of a mountain. It is without a doubt the piece de resistance of the park: a large 40 foot plastic Jesus erupting from the centre of the mountain for all to see to a chorus of Halleluiahs blasted on speakers around the theme park. If a little too akin to Groundhog Day to one’s liking, it makes up for sheer originality and gusto. This large Jesus then proceeds to not only rise, and bless the crowd bellow, but he then swirls creates “a magical experience in the park”.
The theme park comes to a conclusion with a series of “modern day” dioramas. Mother Theresa, The Pope and a particularly poignant display of the Virgin Mary which people claim actually weeps—not animatronically, but, ah, actual tears.
I have to be honest, that I went to Tierra Santa to laugh, and I did, but after a few hours, being among the crowd of families, religious tour groups, and what can best be described as “believers” I found myself moved by the experience. It’s too easy to laugh at this spectacle, and rather than mock the entire enterprise I found myself envious of the crowds. They were genuinely moved and stirred by the experience. Besides, if we can build parks based around talking animals whose pure function is to sell us crappy food and merchandise, why can’t a park exist about the Bible.
